RIP Swiss!

Some of you may have enjoyed the Introducing “Swiss” blog below detailing Swiss’ adventures with airport security. Unfortunately Swiss was captured by the plod at Malaga Airport last night and thus tales of his adventures will be no more. Swiss has had an important contribution to make not only to my mobile office but to highlighting how crap airport security is at British Airports especially Heathrow and Gatwick. So Swiss’s demise asks an important question. If a knife can get through twice in 12 months, what else is getting through security that shouldn’t be there? Secondly what are airport security staff doing all day long because they are not by the looks of it doing their jobs properly!  

Indroducing “Swiss”

Right you lot my name is Swiss or Mr Swiss Army-Knife and I live in the bag that serves as Court’s mobile office with my mates SD Card and Memory-Stick. Here is a piccy of me outside my gaff. image And here is a piccy of me chilling with my homies: image Why am I sharing all this with you? Well my mates get to go to exotic places on aeroplanes all the time such as Glasgow, Aberdeen and Frankfurt but I don’t because of security reasons. getting me through Airport security is almost impossible, well I say almost, so for that reason the best I can hope for is a trip to Skegness, or is it? For those of those of you that don’t know Court used to fly a lot and still travels a lot, he seems permanantly attached to his mobile office and his Samsonite cabin bag. Anyway he is also forgetful and last year left me in the bag for a trip to Luxembourg. Yes I made it through security at Heathrow Terminal 5. I still don’t know how I managed it. Anyway Court was doing some work on a top security site that mean’t he had to go through airport style security to get to his desk. This security is run by G4S, you know the guys that cocked up security at the London Olympics. Well the found me and Court was oblivious! He was also scared to take me back through security at Luxembourg Airport for fear of losing me. Bless his cotton socks! So I spent a few weeks living in a desk whilst arrangements were made for me to travel back to London in a car with one of Courts mad man mates. Rumour, legend and folklore has it that when this guy is drunk he drives in a straight line and obeys speed limits on this trip he was sober! That was last year.This week Court was forgetful again and I got taken on a trip to Gatwick Airport. Rumour, legend and folklore has it that Court owns Gatwick Airport. Let me assure you that this is utter bollocks and he just struts about like he owns the place! Any way I was bricking it when I got shoved through security but yes I made it. That’s two trips through airport security unscathed. What are these security boys playing at? I amazed I am I thought security was tight at airports? How did I manage it? Anyway enough for now more on my adventures soon. Lots of love Swiss

Heathrow

I was travelling to a client the other morning and having a read of the City AM newspaper while I was sat on the train. I happened upon the results for Heathrow Airport and then I started to really laugh. They state that they have a target for getting passengers through security within 5 minutes of 95% and that the actual figure fell to 93%. I laughed so hard I nearly needed new underwear! As someone who has been using Heathrow Airport for around 35 years and in the past 16 years very frequently because of business travel. When I say very frequently I mean more than 30 times a year! I also worked on the project to build Terminal 5. On this subject I will always feel a small sense of pride when I walk through Terminal 5. I know for a fact that 5 minutes through security at any Heathrow terminal is an absolute joke in terms of delays. 3 % with a target of 5% in under 5 minutes is more like it!!!! It regularly takes me 20 minutes to clear security especially at 7 am on Monday morning. As a frequent traveller I know how to clear security with an absolute minimum of fuss and how to be prepared in order to clear security as fast as possible. I very rarely get stopped by the officials because I know what I am doing however the vast majority of travellers do not. Please take your belt off before getting to the conveyor belt. Please empty your pockets and have your watch off before you get to the conveyor belt. They might want to get the laptops ready too. Oh and please stop congregating and holding a mothers meeting just after you have passed the scanner it holds everyone else up. A number of my frequent flyer colleagues I am sure will share my sentiments. Whilst we are on the subject of security at Heathrow I am still in awe as to how I managed to get a large swiss army knife that I forgot I had in my briefcase through security last September! I still cannot work out how I managed it! So come on Heathrow Airport, be realistic and accurate oh and the red carpet treatment when I visit next week might be nice!!!!