There will be a fatal incident soon and it will be all YOUR fault!

Yes you! Yes you!

  • You who cannot commute properly.
  • You who twalk – the art of texting while walking down the street.
  • You who ride a bloody Brompton bike where you shouldn’t
  • You who walk down thee street watching a movie on your iPad
  • You who listen to crap music from silly oversized headphones that make you look like a prat!

You basically think you are more important than everyone else around you.

Yes you will be the cause of a fatality soon.

Why do I have to write this?

I don’t normally bang on about the fact that I am disabled but some things have got to come to a head. The amount of hassle that commuting has become because some people do not have a clue is amazing. I choose to crack on with my life and my work and make the best of it. I shouldn’t have to put up with crap like this!

Recent incidents Include:

A Brompton bike rider knocking me over with his bloody bike on the train. I took a fall.

A Brompton bike rider nearly knocking me over whilst he was riding down the platform at Victoria.

2 incidents where I have been pushed over by stupid impatient people who wont look where they are going.

The stand out classic personally was the impatient blonde bint who nearly pushed me under a train at Victoria Station. Judging by the back pack you were wearing you work for PWC. I cant tell you how much I shat myself when I hit the side of that train. I was lucky to recover it and it left me very shaken. The fear of staring into that gap between the train and the platform is one I have no desire to repeat.

Its not just me that this happens to. Its other disabled people, parents with young children and pregnant women. Indeed I saw a pregnant women pushed over on the tube the other day by some inconsiderate twat.

But the final one goes to the young Asian chap with oversized headphones in Wimbledon who nearly got run over by an ambulance on blues and twos which was clearly taking an emergency to St Georges Hospital. Sorry pal, why should an ambulance on a life saving run have to brake for you because you cannot cross a road properly?

So before there is a fatality that is YOUR fault. Learn how to commute properly.

October’s Commuting Rant

I thought I would get this one in early! Some of you will know that I have ranted about commuting into London recently and especially about the behaviour of certain individuals or groups. Well here goes this months installment! Brompton bike riders. You lot are so beginning to really take the mickey that you have gained a reputation in my eyes akin the that of a BMW driver!. Firstly please don’t be so precious about your stupid bike we all do not need to make a space around you. You are actually supposed to put said bike on the overhead luggage rack anyway. Secondly half unfolding your bike whilst either the train is still moving or on a platform seriously annoys your fellow commuters. You are supposed to unfold your bike outside the station. Worse still are those Muppets who ride down the platform at Victoria Station at * in the morning 🙁 Next up. Ticket Gates. To one side of each set of ticket barriers at any station is a wide angled gate for those of us who are disabled or have heavy luggage or pushchairs with us. It is not for idiots who think they are too good to use a normal ticket barrier. Please stop doing it. You look like a complete twat when you do it as well. Now lets talk about passing the time on the actual journey? Reading a newspaper – thats cool. Reading a good book is fine too. Sipping a latte while you are at it – excellent.. I do it too! Reading reports marked confidential and making sure the whole train carriage can see makes you look like an idiot especially to the bloke on Thursday who was reading a Ministry of Defence, highly classified document on the 08:20 to Waterloo! Lets be clear this document was so sensitive it should not have left the office. I am surprised one of my fellow commuters didn’t take a picture and get the Daily Mail to report it! To be fair it is not the first time I have seen classified government papers being read on a train. This months special mention however must go to the plonker who was talking so loudly about Microsoft System Center on his mobile phone one morning and telling his contacts on the other end of the telephone what do do. He also kept looking around to try and work out why someone was pissing themselves laughing from Raynes Park to Clapham Junction. Well mate here it is especially for you, whoever you are: Firstly Microsoft System Center was my old shop for many years until I left IT. I had some good times consulting on the international circuit around this product set. Secondly you were talking absolute bollocks and trying to get a junior to go through an operation which only you alone should have done from a desk of some description with full control of your environment. You also gave wrong information about a certain part of the product set to your colleague and gave him a password which I assume was for a certain service account. Naughty. Naughty Naughty! I hope your boss sees this and sacks you! Thats the commuting rant over for this month!

Lets talk about twalking.

Yes the disnoble art of “twalking” that is walking along the street whilst concentrating on sending text messages, tweeting or updating ones Facebook status. Some readers know of my health issues which means I now have to walk with crutches permanently. Twalking and twalkers have become such a pain in the proverbial that I have to rant about it here. If I had a Euromillions ticket for every time a twalker had bumped into me in the past 6 months based on the laws of probability I would be hundreds of millions of pounds richer. First off if you twalk and bump into me expect to be told where to get off precisely and in no uncertain terms you are a blithering idiot because you twalk. When you twalk you cannot concentrate on where you are walking. Next the idiots who try and apologise with a half mute sorry. You are only saying sorry because its all you can think of. Mainly women are to blame at this point. Ladies you sound like a four year old schoolgirl apologising for being caught snorting cocaine behind the school bike sheds by the deputy head. For the love of the baby jesus if your text or tweet is that important, get out of the way of everyone else who is trying to go about their business responsibly. Lets face it it probably isn’t very important, but still. Stop and concentrate on your bloody text message and then carry on. Its that simple and will make the streets safer. It amazes me that so many people are so retarded as not to consider this simple step. Please think about what you are doing.

The joys of commuting

Let’s get a few straight about commuting correctly shall we. Firstly it’s not difficult. All you have to do is walk in a straight line and watch out for others around you. You cannot commute correctly and use Facebook or twitter at the same time or more worryingly watch telly on you iPad mini and walk down the street.Please learn how to behave correctly.

A classic I saw yesterday was some airhead blonde from the typing pool using a laptop to respond to some inane email from Jenkins in accounts whilst walking through Clapham Junction Station. Listen love it wasn’t fucking important. You dye your hair trolley dolly blonde and paint your skin orange. You were not wearing a skirt, but some adaptation of a belt, badly imitating a skirt instead. You don’t have the fucking intelligence to have an important job! The email you were trying to write was not important. You don’t need to use a laptop and try and walk and I am surprised you managed more than 3 steps in those heels.

Let’s move on to another classic on Monday morning. The class of kids who come from a school that sport a maroon and grey uniform who were being unruly and who were not able to traverse Victoria station correctly at 08:45 on Monday morning. What is more worrying is that your teachers were dressed in jeans and one was wearing trainers. The head teacher clearly needs a talking to. Hardly a demonstration of leadership or control- as for teaching little ones to learn and understand – don’t get me started! I would love to find out which school this is. If they have a good or better OFSTED rating it will add to the personal suspicion I hold that OFSTED inspectors take bribes.

Commuting correctly isn’t difficult you just have to watch where you are going and keep a look out for what is going on around you and act accordingly. Its common sense!

Yet another commuting rant

Some of you may know that I took a fall the other day and I am now back on crutches. 🙁 Today was my first day travelling into London at rush hour on crutches. What a pain. But a few people need to be singled out here. To the bloke who gave me a seat at Wimbledon. Thank You. To the two bints who would not stop gassing and let me off the train at Clapham Junction. What a pair of airheads you really are. Now lets start on Victoria Station. To the silly bint who ran into me while running and trying to do her fucking make up. Wake up earlier prepare properly and watch what you are fucking doing! Commuting is getting worse in the UK but please guys taker care and commute responsibly and properly. Its not that difficult.  

A rant about public transport

Following on from my earlier blog about commuting and menswear I now feel compelled to rant about the state of public transport. It amazes me that the smallest thing can stuff things up so  badly and in the process screw my entire day up.

The other week it was a person under a train at Wimbledon and now this week its not only a trespasser at Clapham Junction but a security alert at Victoria. In the UK we have some of the  highest public transport costs in Europe but it does not seem to get reinvested. For comparison  the journey I took before I wrote this blog cost me £4.00 a comparable journey in Prague costs 81p. In Frankfurt its £1.10. In both of these places I have never seen public transport delays like we have here in the UK. It simply does not happen.

2 hours to get from Wimbledon to Cetral London is an absolute joke. What is even more of a p*** take is having to pay £4 for it!

South West Trains are seriously doing my head in so its no wonder I am now seriously considering buying a scooter for travelling into and around London.